I Can’t See

There is a world wide conspiracy to print important instructions, directions and descriptions in smaller and smaller fonts!

December 9, 2015 | | Blogs | Community | Leisure | Two Blue Boots

I can’t see anything, anymore. I’ve always required glasses for seeing distances — driving, shopping, going to the movies and watching television. Over the years, I began to require another type of glasses for seeing things up close – reading, looking at price tags, filing my fingernails and grooming my eyebrows. At present, it seems I can’t see anything midway between near and far. My fickle eyeballs are constantly playing games with me – and I’m not amused.

Yes, I’ve heard of bifocal (or progressive) lenses. I own a few pairs of those too. Unfortunately, they don’t really work that well. My high-maintenance pupils refuse to use the same pair of glasses for both long and short distance viewing.

Real-estate listings are my ultimate nemesis.

Real-estate listings are my ultimate nemesis.

I can’t see the small print on medicine bottles, food labels, cooking instructions or cosmetics. Real-estate listings are my ultimate nemesis. Who can see those tiny little photos? Who can read that microscopic information? Does that say five bedrooms or five bathrooms?

Of course, the glasses I require are never on my face. If I’m driving and need to glance at my To Do list, I need to remove the glasses I’m wearing to see the list. If I’m reading the label on an item at the grocery store, and I see someone waving and saying hello, I need to don my distance glasses so I’m able to recognize the mystery greeter.

My glasses are never where I left them and never where I need them. I have glasses on my desk at school and a pair or two bedside. I have a pair in the car and a pair beside the couch. When I need my glasses, can I find them? Of course not, there are none to be found. I am forced to conduct blurry-eyed frantic searches. “Has anyone seen my glasses?” is my constant cry.

Some of my friends have similar vision difficulties and they resort to wearing the inexpensive glasses that are available at the local drugstore. This eyewear has fun designs and funky colours and you can buy a three-pack for a very reasonable price.

On a recent trip to Shoppers Drug Mart, I decided to treat myself to a pair or two of these fancy eye glasses. This proved to be a more difficult purchase than I’d anticipated. Not only was there a large selection of colours, patterns and designs, but there were also several magnification levels to consider. Which level was right for me? There was only one way to find out.

I tried several pairs. I picked up a product from the shelf, conveniently placed beside the glasses display, and looked at the tiny print. The first pair I tried was far too blurry. I couldn’t read a thing. The next pair seemed a bit better but I was still straining to make sense of what I was reading.

I continued in this trial-and-error fashion. I spent a fair amount of time testing and reading. In-between my squinting and frowning sessions I stopped to speak to a few folks. A neighbour paused to say hello. A former student stopped to chat. My hair dresser gave me a wave.

Finally, after much time had passed, I was thrilled to find a pair that was stylish and flattering. The magnification was perfect. As I placed the product I’d been using as my vision-tester back on the shelf, I was struck by a startling realization. This helpful product was actually a box of Trojan condoms! I had been reading the side of a box of condoms for approximately half an hour!

I slowly began to comprehend that my neighbour, my former student, and my hairdresser had all witnessed me intensely scrutinizing the instructions on a condom box! I darted to the cashier, quickly paid for my new specs, and skulked out to my car.

At any rate, I believe I own enough glasses for the time-being. And I don’t plan on going back to that particular drugstore for a very long time.

About the Author More by Laurie May

Laurie teaches Grade 4 at Island Lake Public School in Orangeville and writes in her spare time. She lives in Mono and looks for the humour in everyday country life. Check out her blog “Two Blue Boots”.

Comments

18 Comments

  1. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

    Joan on Dec 9, 2015 at 1:07 pm | Reply

    • Joan–are you laughing at me–or laughing with me?

      Laurie May from Mono on Dec 9, 2015 at 10:44 pm | Reply

  2. I can hardly read this column-far too small and my bank info on-line keeps reducing in size and I only have 1 pair of glasses always on my face but really? A box of condoms? OMG

    Joy Gaskin from Oraneville on Dec 10, 2015 at 5:42 am | Reply

    • Yes, Joy. I believe the entire fault is not with the strength of my eye-sight. Everything is shrinking in size!

      I know–I wish I had grabbed a shampoo bottle, instead.

      Laurie May from Mono on Dec 10, 2015 at 6:30 pm | Reply

  3. Are your new glasses those shown in the photo ? How could you ever lose those…….they would be like the elephant in the room! In any event, you have inherited your mothers habit…..she too has dozens of glasses ? and each has its own hiding place. Dad ?

    Larry Gee on Dec 10, 2015 at 8:06 am | Reply

    • The sad thing is that I could probably manage to lose that giant pair of glasses too!!

      Laurie May on Dec 10, 2015 at 6:31 pm | Reply

  4. Wait until you are eighty. It gets worse.
    You handled the subject so well
    We loved th picture too.

    Norma Gee on Dec 10, 2015 at 8:23 am | Reply

    • Oh—no!!!! It can’t possibly get much worse. 🙁

      Laurie May on Dec 10, 2015 at 6:32 pm | Reply

  5. Hey Laurie – Aren’t those Elvis costume glasses you’re wearing?? They are very stylish and wouldn’t cause confusion for someone else thinking they looked like theirs?? Definitely some benefits … laughing ‘with’ and not ‘at’ 🙂

    Denise on Dec 10, 2015 at 6:58 pm | Reply

    • Actually you are right about that, Denise. And the mere size of them would make them difficult to misplace. LOL

      Laurie May from Mono on Dec 11, 2015 at 11:45 am | Reply

  6. If anyone could pull off those glasses it would be you! Thanks for he chuckle. Have you thought about sugery?

    Danielle on Dec 11, 2015 at 8:05 pm | Reply

    • Hmmmm…..maybe I should consider surgery. It might be the better investment in the long run. In the meantime, I’ll continue my struggle with my current collection of eyewear!

      Laurie May on Dec 12, 2015 at 10:10 pm | Reply

  7. I am giggling sooo hard….. Well at least you were trying to pro actively protect your eyes….. Lol oh the things I love about your blog is the true to life lessons!!!! I’m thankful now for eye surgery 5.5 years ago… Its definitely saved me!! Hugs to you!!!

    Chrysty on Dec 12, 2015 at 9:34 pm | Reply

    • Hi Chrysty: I’m not sure why so many of these “life lessons” happen to ME. I guess, if nothing else, I have lots of experiences to “look back and laugh” about! Hugs back to you.

      Laurie May on Dec 12, 2015 at 10:14 pm | Reply

  8. As I start reading your blog I had I to search for glasses in my purse. I totally feel your pain.

    Kassie from Guelph on Dec 13, 2015 at 6:23 pm | Reply

    • Oh my, Kassie…..and the glasses are never in a handy location in a purse….they are always on the very bottom….and you have to dump the contents of your purse onto a counter and sort through everything……AAAaaakkkkkk!

      Laurie May on Dec 13, 2015 at 7:38 pm | Reply

  9. You did it again Laurie,. Your writing is entertaining as well as making a good point.
    Lovce to read your Blogs

    noma gee from Collingwood on Mar 11, 2016 at 3:06 pm | Reply

    • Thanks Norma! I’m glad you enjoy Two Blue Boots!

      Laurie May on Mar 14, 2016 at 3:29 pm | Reply

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