Writing Your Own Story

Have you made your “living list”? You know, that list of things you plan to do while you’re still living? The list might include writing down any dream or abandoned project that still feels viable for you – that trip to South America you’ve always wanted to take, or a parachute plunge from a plane, or canoeing the Yukon River. But more than just a checklist of big experiences, a living list includes those small day-to-day activities that can make life purposeful and fulfilling even as our physical capacities decline. 

One of those more reflective activities I’ve been putting off is taking time to create a life review. Do you remember when the media was brimming with news about actor and activist Jane Fonda conducting a life review for the full year before she turned 60? With this exercise she was striving to recognize patterns and cultivate confidence. Jane is now 86, so that gives you an idea of how long the idea has been simmering in the recesses of my mind.

I know a few people who have tackled this by writing their own obituary, but that’s too macabre for me. My business card says I’m a writer, but even with that, I think I need help. 

Enter Bernadette Hardaker, Orangeville resident, former journalist and CBC radio host. Bernadette has had a business writing life stories (lifestories.ca) for close to 25 years and finds each project unique, challenging and inspirational. 

“I adored my own grandmother, but regret to this day that I never got her story to pass along to my children,” she says.

Her approach is to break down each project into four parts: the recorded interviews (usually three, plus a pre-interview to determine the narrative timeline); transcribing the recordings; writing to shape the story; and producing the final product in book form. 

Each project can take from six months to a year to complete. Bernadette mentions that in one case she completed life reviews for four members of a single family. 

Erik Erikson, the influential child psychoanalyst of the 1950s, theorized that humans pass through eight stages of psychosocial development, each associated with specific challenges. Through the toddling years, for example, the work is to gain autonomy, while young adulthood is to learn how to develop intimacy with others. Old age is ideally the time of wisdom and acceptance as we gather our life experiences into a coherent narrative.

“Coherent narrative.” That’s what I’m after. 

I suppose it could be likened to creating a guided autobiography, perhaps with thematic topics such as family, social values, friendships, work, hobbies and health. A good start would be to pen brief vignettes, answering questions such as “How did you get into your major life’s work?” or “How did your cultural heritage affect who you are?” For inspiration, check out memoir-writing sites such as storyworth.com, which offers a list of questions whether you subscribe to their service or not.

Or here’s a thought. Why not suggest that your kids, or grandkids, record and transcribe an interview with you and/or your spouse, perhaps with a soundtrack of the music you grooved to through the years. With a bit of prompting the kids could ask about the accomplishments you are most proud of, the people and events that most influenced you, and what you hope to leave behind.

Great. This could check the “entertainment” box at a special birthday celebration. 

But there is more to it than that. It’s easy to lose a sense of purpose as we age, so putting together a life review isn’t just about looking in the rearview mirror. It can also be the basis for looking forward to the next chapter of your life. Recalling memories of happy times or of surviving adversity – better still, writing them down and sharing them – is a way to reinforce self-esteem, optimism and a sense of meaning in life. 

As Bernadette says, “While I do look for and focus on significant moments along each path, I also want to know what the client has learned and what they want to pass along to the next generation.” 

The exercise could even provide a way to keep you connected to your community – an important factor in emotional well-being and resilience – perhaps by bringing together a group of like-minded individuals interested in writing their own life reviews. I’m all in.