Gaining Weight and Losing Pants

I keep trying to lose weight but it keeps finding me.
Author Unknown

February 5, 2014 | | Blogs | Community | Leisure | Two Blue Boots

I need to lose some weight. Last week-end I was rummaging through every closet and drawer in my house, in an attempt to find my snow pants.  I was looking forward to an upcoming cross-country ski trip to Mono Nordic Ski Club, with my students.

I always enjoy skiing with the kids and was looking forward to an afternoon of hitting the trails. I became increasingly frantic as I realized my favourite pants were nowhere to be found.

I tore through every room in the house.  I searched down the basement and underneath the stairs.  I foraged in the furnace room and combed through the garage but my efforts were unsuccessful.

Where could my beloved pants be?  I dreaded trying to replace them.  It took me several shopping trips to find them.  The clothing industry is not that accommodating to plus-sized folks like me and outdoor-clothing stores are pretty limited, here in our rural winter wonderland.

I sat pondering my dilemma, when suddenly a gust of cold air blew into the house, followed by my husband Darrel.  He had just returned from a snowmobile trail ride with his buddies, He was in full snowmobile garb, looking rosy-cheeked and content.  As he removed his jacket, my eyes fell upon his pants – or rather my pants!

I didn’t know whether to be happy or angry.  I pointed and squealed and told him that I’d been hunting everywhere for the pants that were on his legs.

Darrel was insistent that the pants belonged to him.  He claimed he’d been wearing them all winter.  He bragged about the fact that the alleged pants were so “nice and roomy” and allowed him the “flexibility to maneuver his machine through ice and snow”.

I explained to him that his black pants were down the basement, covered in spider webs and dust. I had noticed them hanging there, while I was conducting my frantic search.

He appeared not to hear my pleas.  He looked at me with indifference, removed the pants, hung them on a hook, and lovingly patted them.

I strode across the room to inspect the pants.  They were covered in mud, grease, and engine oil.  They smelled like his snowmobile pants.  On closer inspection, however, it became apparent that the pants in question were definitely Lady’s attire.

I yanked them from the hook and could immediately see that they were a feminine, lower-cut style with small “girlie” brass buttons.   The label in the back was emblazoned with the name of a popular Woman’s clothing store.  Ah ha! I brandished this final piece of proof into Darrel’s astonished face.

He looked a tad sheepish as he slowly accepted the truth.  He’d spent the winter wearing his wife’s pants!  What he didn’t realize was that his embarrassment was minor compared to how I was feeling.

I pushed by him and headed to the laundry room where I washed my beloved pants – twice.  Once they were freshly washed and dried, I mended the hems.  The stitching had obviously been jarred loose by the manly sport they had been subjected to.

I was finally good to go.  The mystery of the missing pants was solved and I was ready for the ski-trip. Or – so I thought.

An hour later, Darrel was surprised to find the freshly washed and repaired pants back on the hook, alongside his snowmobile jacket. I told him that I was going to go shopping for some new pants—blue ones—to match my ski-jacket. I explained that the black pants looked better on him.  He just shrugged nonchalantly.  He knew better than to ask any questions.  He’s learned that after 32 years of marriage, you don’t always need to know.

The truth is – when I finally stepped into my cherished pants, after all of the searching, washing, and mending, I was surprised to discover they were too s-m-a-l-l for me. I pulled and pushed and pleaded but they stubbornly refused to budge.   No amount of wiggling, writhing, and wrestling could convince those pants to return to their rightful owner.

Yes indeed – I need to lose some weight

About the Author More by Laurie May

Laurie teaches Grade 4 at Island Lake Public School in Orangeville and writes in her spare time. She lives in Mono and looks for the humour in everyday country life. Check out her blog “Two Blue Boots”.

Comments

29 Comments

  1. Laurie, I think you could fill every blog for a year with Darrel’s many adventures and misadventures. He does have an easygoing, happy-go-lucky, carefree, lighthearted and laidback nature about him. Now that you have the motivation (and new pants), it’s work-out time! Dad

    Larry Gee on Feb 5, 2014 at 7:27 pm | Reply

  2. I agree, Dad. There is never a dull moment in our house. Tomorrow is the big day. The bus leaves our school at 9:00 a.m. to head to Mono Nordic Ski Club. I am keeping my fingers crossed that my pants will survive the trip. 🙂

    Laurie May from Mono on Feb 5, 2014 at 7:45 pm | Reply

  3. I so enjoy your posts and can empathize really well with the shrinking pants. Have fun in them Darrel. You are a clever guy to know when to shrug.

    Joy Gaskin on Feb 6, 2014 at 5:33 am | Reply

    • Thanks, Joy. Yes, Darrel’s shrugs are a bit of a survival tactic, after all these years. Sometimes the best response is NO response.

      Laurie May on Feb 7, 2014 at 12:08 am | Reply

  4. Laurie, thanks so much for the chuckle, it brightened my day. You are such a gifted writer, I don’t know why you are not in the magazine.

    Danielle on Feb 6, 2014 at 7:10 am | Reply

    • Hi Danielle: I’m glad you enjoyed that post. It is rather funny in a pathetic kind of way.

      Laurie May on Feb 7, 2014 at 12:10 am | Reply

  5. Hi Lori;

    Pretty sure those pants shrunk when you washed them!! Good thing about snow pants is once you get them on and zipped you’re good to go. Hope you and your students had a great day skiing. If you had girls, and not 2 boys, missing clothes would be an all too familiar happening. I am right now looking for a favouite and rather expensive top that seems to have gone missing. Catching the culprit as you did always feels good!

    Liz Baker

    elizabeth baker from toronto on Feb 6, 2014 at 7:24 am | Reply

    • Hmmmm……I don’t recall Ryan and Codey ever wearing my clothes. I have that much to be grateful for.
      The skiing was wonderful today—perfect conditions!

      Laurie May on Feb 7, 2014 at 12:14 am | Reply

  6. The pants are always telling, aren’t they? The good news is Spring always follows Winter and we all lighten our eating habits when we realize that we can’t hide in our layers anymore. Thanks for the laugh Lori.
    Kris Purc

    Kris Purc from Etobicoke on Feb 6, 2014 at 8:00 am | Reply

    • Kris: Thanks for giving me some hope. Perhaps that is part of the problem. This has been a L-O-N-G winter.

      Laurie May on Feb 7, 2014 at 12:17 am | Reply

  7. Are you sure the man ‘s name was not Walt? Sounds very familiar. Sometimes it does not pay to be the same Xl size

    Judy barclay on Feb 6, 2014 at 10:50 am | Reply

    • Hi Judy: Does Walt wear your snow pants too? Please say “yes” so I don’t feel so alone.

      Laurie May on Feb 7, 2014 at 12:19 am | Reply

  8. Laurie,
    Cute story – thank goodness Darrel wouldn’t dream of grabbing your bathing suit to use, thinking it would be more comportable!
    Deb

    Deb Mobbs from Clarksburg on Feb 6, 2014 at 11:04 am | Reply

    • Hi Deb: I laughed when I read your comment. A husband wearing his wife’s bathing suit—now that would make a funny blog post.

      Laurie May on Feb 7, 2014 at 12:22 am | Reply

  9. Hi Lori, I’m always glad when your Mom sends me the link to your blogs – I enjoy your stories so much!! I can always identify with your story lines.. I’m lucky there is a height difference between Carl and I , so he would never be able to pull off the same feat. I’m sure your snow pants shrunk after two thorough washings – you deserved a new pair anyway! Hope you enjoyed your ski trip. Gail Smith

    Gail Smith from Freelton, Ontario on Feb 6, 2014 at 11:14 am | Reply

    • Hi Gail: Thanks for the kudos. Thanks as well for mentioning the “pants shrinking in the wash” excuse. That simply has to be what happened.

      Laurie May on Feb 7, 2014 at 12:27 am | Reply

  10. Laurie,

    I soo love your blog and adore how you write that reaches everyone. I can just imagine the looks and of course the sadness you felt when trying on the pants. We Curvaceous ladies have fun shopping and trying to find things that fit. Don’t worry after 32 years of marriage you truly have an amazing man!!

    Chrysty from Ayr, Ontario on Feb 6, 2014 at 12:33 pm | Reply

    • Thanks Chrysty: I think we share the same sense of humour and the same ability to laugh at ourselves. Thanks for your consistent readership and support. You’re the best!

      Laurie May on Feb 7, 2014 at 12:31 am | Reply

  11. Can’t wait until the next one as each gets better then the one before. Keep writing!

    Norma Gee from Collingwood on Feb 6, 2014 at 2:33 pm | Reply

    • Thanks Mom—-and thanks for passing on my blog posts. I appreciate it. 🙂

      Laurie May on Feb 7, 2014 at 12:33 am | Reply

  12. Laurie,
    I have a similar closet that shrinks my clothes as they rest on the hangars. And those darn clothing manufacturers
    making all the sizes a little smaller. Don’t despair, and keep writing those blogs.

    Deannie

    Geraldine from Collingwood on Feb 6, 2014 at 4:35 pm | Reply

    • Hi Deannie: Wow—I never thought to blame my closet. I think you are right, though. That is where the shrinking happens. Thanks for reading my blog posts.

      Laurie May on Feb 7, 2014 at 12:36 am | Reply

      • You two are on to something. Factor in the extreme cold and dry air – all those clothes fibres have freeze dried and you know how small freeze dried stuff gets!

        Valerie on Feb 7, 2014 at 9:01 am

  13. Laurie, OMG I laughed out loud thinking about Darrel coming into the house all winter unknowingly wearing your snow pants. Life just doesn’t get better than that, really. My favourite comment though has to be that “freeze dried stuff” always getting small. Thanks for sending me the blog- always good and fun reading.

    Kassie from Guelph on Feb 8, 2014 at 12:15 pm | Reply

    • Hi Kassie: Yes– I howled at Valerie’s “freeze dried” theory as well– a perfectly plausible explanation. 🙂

      Laurie May on Feb 8, 2014 at 11:26 pm | Reply

  14. Laurie, I am pretty sure that snow pants are basically “one size fits all”. So, don’t stress about it…enjoy a new pair and let Darrell have the old ones. My hubby and I could probably wear the same ones too…and at our age…who really cares ? Loving your posts…keep them coming.

    Deb V on Feb 18, 2014 at 8:39 pm | Reply

    • Hi Deb: It’s hard to imagine “Beautiful Billy’s Mommy” wearing her husband’s pants! Thanks for the advice though. Maybe I’ll start a new fashion trend—Unisex Clothing for Couples!

      Laurie May on Feb 18, 2014 at 10:05 pm | Reply

  15. Hey Laurie – I love your blogs and the saga of looking for your pants… A small part of me wonders where Darrel thought his newer looking & roomier pants came from when the winter started? Did he try them on and wear them a few times when he couldn’t find his and when no one said anything – they became his? 🙂 Totally cracks me up!

    Denise on Feb 19, 2014 at 7:49 am | Reply

    • Hi Denise: Good question! And yes–I have a feeling that the entire pant scenario evolved just as you described! I guess I need to learn to keep better tabs on my clothing.

      Laurie May on Feb 24, 2014 at 10:55 pm | Reply

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