Marking Time through Tradition and Ceremony
By honouring our customs, we celebrate continuity and remember a shared history.
We are prepping for our annual Christmas party – the one where the friends from near and far pile in through the door, and the Aunties arrive en masse. The preparation requires many hours of deep cleaning, several trips to the grocery store for provisions, and to bakeries for decadent treats. Finally, off to the liquor store for swish cut-glass bottles of spirits, our favourite GoodLot brew, and sparkling wine, all to stash outside in crackling-cold ice buckets until the guests arrive.
After about a decade, this house party has become an annual tradition. Our open main floor holds many friends, who drape themselves over chair arms, crowd around the sink and prep area, and laugh until past our usual bedtimes. We play old and new music, and pass around bites of food and direct people to the elaborate charcuterie board. The adult children move to the basement and gather around a few table games and get caught up. My cousins trek up from the city, eyes wide from the often-blustery, wintry drive that can be a tiny bit terrifying if you are used to the merely wet, well-lit streets of Toronto in winter.
I know it’s now a tradition because people start asking in September, “Are you having your party this year?” It warms my heart to think our friends and family know we hold space for a far-flung group of people who want to see each other and look forward to it. When the party is winding down, I close my eyes and relish in the aftermath. We sink into the couches after the door closes one last time, and the dishwasher starts to whir its watery serenade.
Winter is a season of traditions and ceremony, which come in many forms. My cousin Hillary is a talented singer, who performs with a Toronto choir every year, rehearsing after work and on weekends to share her talents in a traditional evening concert series. Friends go to church for midnight mass, or host wonderful “Christmaskuh” parties that recognize Hanukkah and Christmas traditions together, all at once. My Jewish colleague looks forward to lighting the menorah with her family. My friends who celebrate their German heritage pull out tiny glass decorations and real candles (!) for their trees. Whirligig pyramid decorations spin above the heat of the candles. Carols are sung by the trained and untrained, with one or two voices usually coming forward to carry the tune. Lyrics hundreds of years old are sung by heart, with plunky piano keys tapping out the songs, note by note.
These rituals and ceremonies help us both mark and, if we’re lucky, slow down time. We mark the occasions with photos and revisiting the memories of past parties. Boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, until they are permanent. New people are introduced into the fray. We remember when we met, we ask how others have been since we saw them last. We remember when the kids were just wee and I suspect there will be more wee ones on the way soon. These are the patterns and traditions that matter in our lives. Will we remember the deadline we were on several years ago as the holiday metronome tick-tick-ticked? No. But we remember when the engagements were announced, the new girlfriend was introduced, and surely we will remember the year the next wave of babies starts arriving.
The remembrance of “absent friends and loved ones,” as the toast goes, cuts deep. I miss my late brother at these parties, his wild party side coming out to play and everyone lighting up when they saw him. And I miss my mom, who is in a care home, as she used to help me prep and calm my nerves – and help pick my outfit or earrings. I miss my dear friend Ingrid, now that she is gone too. I wish they were here. I also miss my sweet dog Blixy who died recently and who used to nudge the Aunties politely for just one more piece of cheese. With our commitments to ritual and ceremony, these sad changes are inescapable. We’ll mark them, if not outwardly, then in the small recesses of our hearts.
So we open the door and welcome the continuity. We keep going. The menorah will be lit by my friend again this year with all her hopes for peace, and she will connect with her sister who is safe in Israel. I’ll raise my glass when the right songs come on, for Jeff, and for Inge. I’ll wear my mom’s jewelry so she’s with me on the special night.
We anchor ourselves in these repetitive, even slightly new traditions. They’re the same, but somehow, always different – the way a song is never sung the same way twice.
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Surviving the Holidays: Boundaries, Balance and a Little Prep
The holidays can bring sparkle, but also stress. Between hosting duties, family expectations and endless to-do lists, it’s easy to lose sight of what the season is meant to bring: connection, joy and a little rest. Two local experts, Lindsay Shapiro, a psychotherapist and holistic nutritionist, and Liz Fusato, a well-known host, television personality and local food enthusiast, share how they keep it together.
Protect your peace
Shapiro’s number one rule? Boundaries. “Not everyone gets a lot of time off, so it’s important to put limits around things, and that could mean asking everyone to bring something if you’re hosting, having a start and end time, or accepting help,” she says.
She reminds her clients to let go of unrealistic expectations. “People often feel they should do it all, but that mindset leads straight to burnout,” she says. “You’re not responsible for managing other people’s feelings, just your own.”
So that can mean declining invitations. “You can’t go to every party or event,” she says. “Practising saying no protects your energy and your joy.”
Slow down to stay centred
When life speeds up, Shapiro urges people to double down on self-care. “People often think they don’t have time to work out, sleep, or take quiet time. But that’s actually when you need those things most,” she says. “When the world speeds up, you need to slow down.”
Plan smart, not hard
For Fusato, survival is all about strategy. “Personally, I must prepare a to-do list on paper and place it where I can see it,” she says. “Otherwise, I get overwhelmed with too many thoughts and ideas.”
She swears by menus that can be prepared ahead of time. “Create a menu that can be made a day or two in advance, with a balance of flavours and textures – sweet, salty, spicy, crunchy, fresh, soft,” she suggests. “Preparation spread over a few days means I actually get to enjoy the event and the company.”
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